Archive for December 2011
Mother Mouse Joke
Posted on: December 27, 2011
A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly “BARK” at which point the cat ran off. “There, you see” said the mother mouse to her baby “that is why learning a foreign language is so important”.
Billy had been away from home on business for several days. On his return, his wife told him how much the dog had missed him. “Every night, Millie would be waiting by the front door for you coming home” she said. “Wow, that is devotion” Billy replied. “Would you be that concerned?” “Darling” she replied “If you had been gone all night and I had no idea where you went, you bet your life that I would be waiting at that front door when you got back”.
Little Johnny was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbour looked over the fence and asked “What are you doing here, son? “I”ve just buried my goldfish; it died” replied Little Johnny tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbour. Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Johnny said “That”s because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat”.
My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the house said to the driver “He”s gone upstairs to tell my mother we are leaving”. Five minutes later, not knowing what my wife had said I exclaimed “Sorry for the delay but the silly old thing was hiding behind the cupboard so she needed to be poked with a stick to bring her out”.
Fishing on a frozen lake
Posted on: December 22, 2011
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” “What was that?” the old man asked. Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” “Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm!”
10 Short Random Jokes
Posted on: December 14, 2011
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
Harry’s wife says, “Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?” He says, “No, our house isn’t blue.”
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Son: You said it was my lunch money.
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
– Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
– Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork Chop
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other “Wow it’s hot in here”
The other one replies “Oh no… It’s a talking muffin”
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn
Bill Gates Joke
Posted on: December 10, 2011
One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven. When he got there he met God. God said “Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?” Bill Gates said, “Can I have a look at them first?”
So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white. Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.
Bill Gates choose Hell.
A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: “When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?”
God replied, “Oh that? It was only a demo”.
Funny Math Jokes
Posted on: December 5, 2011
A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it’s wrong, but also because he doesn’t want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: “Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I’ll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.”
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: “Did you really change the names of all the variables?”
“Sure!” the classmate replies. “When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…”
A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”
Random Jokes 